81) 39th Rank

The hurt we pick up in our childhood go deep into the psyche and may leave behind scars that may take a lifetime to heal. That is, if you are lucky.

I hail from a Tamil Brahmin society were academics are the only reflection of a person’s value. I was poor in studies and my report card; a mixture of red and blue ink underlining, something not found or acceptable in the family.

My eldest sister who was in 9th standard, invariably stood in the top ten while my kid brother – devil that he is – in 5th was in the top three in the class. I hovered in the bottom half and needed tuitions just to get promoted to the next class.

I went into 7th standard with my heart in the mouth. It is a public exam and the exam papers are corrected by the state board teachers. I still remember those days vividly – it was a girl’s school and there were 40 students in the class. Indra was the class teacher and she would never give me a second look and when she did, it was a “good for nothing” looks.

In the first monthly test my rank was 39 and I had failed in Science, Maths and Hindi. My father gave me a lecture suggesting other options than studies while my sister’s report was full of 80s and 90s. Mother was hinting whether the babies got exchanged while in the hospital.

Dad said,” Guess, she has a tribal brain” while my brother just rechristened me, “39th rank”.

That was to be my nickname in the house for the next five years and each time, he uttered it I would feel such shame that I would have preferred being dug underground. I used to addressed in that manner before guests and relatives and soon my name “Parijatha” forgotten and instead became that foul sounding number.

This “39th rank” would rankle me in my sleep and I would even get panic attacks. My brother less than 10 years did not mean so much harm for he was young and his malice just playfulness. But for me, it was a near death thing.

If that was the inspiration I needed, I fared better from that gory rank. Though I was never in the top 10, I remained in the top 20 and even my parents were proud of the report cards sans red marks.

I passed XII in second division and B.Com in the first. Even I couldn’t believe my luck. The entire family celebrated and the ghosts of 39th rank forever vanquished.

Those 5 years of name-calling instilled a great discipline in my life. I now have a positive self-image and know my worth.

I got married to a doctor while I am a banker with ABN AMRO in addition to managing home. Guess, you know what? I look after my parents in old age and I have fared far better than my errand brother and stately sister.

God has been kind but after all, we are one family. No sibling rivalry here!!! (514 words)